Abused?
Signs of Abuse
It can be hard to know if you’re being abused. You may think that your husband or partner is allowed to make you have sex. That’s not true. Forced sex is rape, no matter who does it. You may think that cruel or threatening words are not abuse. They are. And sometimes emotional abuse is a sign that a person will become physically violent.
Below is a list of possible signs of abuse. Some of these are illegal. All of them are wrong.
You may be abused if your partner:
- Monitors what you’re doing all the time
- Unfairly accuses you of being unfaithful all the time
- Prevents or discourages you from seeing your friends or family
- Prevents or discourages you from going to work or school
- Gets very angry during and after drinking alcohol or using drugs
- Controls how you spend your money
- Controls your use of needed medicines
- Decides things for you that you should be allowed to decide for yourself (like what to wear or eat)
- Humiliates you in front of others
- Destroys your property or things that you care about
- Threatens to hurt you, the children, or pets
- Hurts you (by hitting, beating, pushing, shoving, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting)
- Uses (or threatens to use) a weapon against you
- Forces you to have sex against your will
- Controls your birth control or insists that you get pregnant
- Blames you for his violent outbursts
- Threatens to harm himself when upset with you
- Says things like, “If I can’t have you then no one can.”
If you think someone is abusing you, get help. Abuse can have serious physical and emotional effects. No one has the right to hurt you.
Adapted from: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
Definition of Abuse
Domestic abuse can be broadly defined as any form of abusive behaviour by one or both partners in an intimate relationship, such as marriage, cohabitation, family, dating or even friends. Abuse is always intentional and cannot happen by accident.
Domestic violence has many forms including:
- Physical aggression (hitting, kicking, biting, shoving, restraining, throwing objects), or threats of it
- Sexual abuse
- Emotional abuse
- Financial abuse (withholding money or controlling all money including that of other family members)
- Social abuse (restricting access to friends and/or family, insulting or threatening friends and/or family), controlling or domineering
- Intimidation
- Stalking
- Passive/covert abuse (e.g., neglect)
- Economic deprivation
Domestic violence may or may not constitute a crime, depending on local statutes, severity and duration of specific acts, and other variables. Alcohol consumption, misuse of drugs, and mental illness have frequently been associated with abuse.
Types of Abuse
Abuse of women can take many forms. It can be verbal, emotional, psychological, sexual, physical and financial.
Physical This includes any unwanted or non-consensual physical contact or assault, such as punching, slapping, hitting, kicking, dragging, pulling of hair, spitting at or on, choking, pinching, etc.
Verbal and Emotional
Involves the attack on one’s emotional and mental wellbeing through name-calling and put-downs. This leaves you feeling emotionally insecure about yourself and your relationship.
Psychological
Any threatening, intimidating, isolating or controlling behaviour. This includes threatening to harm you, your children or pets, slamming doors, limiting you from leaving the home, using the phone and seeing your friends and family, controlling how you dress, who you talk to, etc.
Sexual
Any unwanted, non-consensual sexual contact or comments. This includes forced intercourse, comparing you sexually to other women, making you feel guilty, acting as if it is their “right”, etc.
Financial
Taking control of all finances. This includes allowing you no access to or knowledge of the family finances, taking your money, making you provide receipts to validate your spending, expecting you to pay for everything, etc.
Self Assessment
Not all abuse is seen for what it really is by those who are suffering it. Take this simple test to see if you are being subjected to abuse.
If you can answer YES to any of the following questions, consider getting help today.
1. Does your partner destroy or threaten to destroy your
possessions or hurts things that are of value to you?
2. Does your partner ever force you to engage in sexual activities (including but not limited to preventing you from having safe sex or using contraception)?
3. Does your partner prevent you from leaving your home, using the telephone, the internet, or interacting with family/friends or control your activities?
4. Has your partner ever hit, kicked or physically harmed you or your children? Have they ever threatened to hurt you or your children? Do they intimidate you with actions?
5. Does he/she call you names? Make fun of you in front of others?
6. Does he/she tell you no one would ever want you if you left them?
7. Does he/she treat you well in public but horrible in private/behind closed doors?
8. Does he/she tell you he/she can’t help losing their temper or that you made them do it?
9. Your partner does not allow you to make any decisions, they make all the decisions?
10. Are you forced to give your partner all your money, or do you have to ask for an allowance, show receipts of items you have bought?
11. Does he ask you millions of questions when you have gone out? Do they think you are seeing other people? Have you ever been accused of cheating on your partner?
12. Does your partner forbid you to practice your religion or spiritual beliefs or are you forced to believe in your partner’s faith?
13. Are you afraid to voice your own opinion because you are afraid of what your partner may say or do?
If you answered YES to any of the above questions or have questions about your partner’s behaviour call 905-451-4115 now to speak with someone.
The Salvation Army Family Life Resource Centre (FLRC) is an emergency short term shelter in the Brampton area for women and their children escaping partner violence.
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